The Best Offense is No Defense

"The Best Offense Is No Defense"


My car was not ready as promised, at 5:00 o'clock. Then when I finally retrieved it the sticker indicating date, mileage and viscosity of the oil had not been applied. So I strode grim-faced back to the service desk. "I'm really irritated", I stated firmly, and proceeded to spout out my dissatisfaction, questioning seriously whether the oil had even been changed at all. My head of steam rose rapidly. All the day's tensions were mounting and about to erupt on the Service Manager's head. Then he eyeballed me and said, "You know, I'd be upset too, if I were you."

A long pause followed. Speechless, I looked at him. Like a helium-filled balloon stuck with a needle, I deflated. My hot air drained like magic. My head of steam cooled off like a tamed pussycat. I became a decent human being again.

Understanding and acceptance, like magic, defused me. I had been understood! Instead of the defensive posture I anticipated, I got understanding. Expecting indifference, I had backed up and gotten a running start in order to hit hard enough to get the attention I felt I deserved. The target, however, neatly sidestepped my attack, and I fell flat on my face. Prepared for defensiveness I received empathy and acceptance.

That Service Manager demonstrated what a major difference acceptance and understanding accomplishes, in contrast to defensiveness.

Life's best game strategy, sure to win, is to play no defense whatsoever. There is a lot of truth in every criticism, complaint, or attack, leveled at us. Therefore dropping one's guard not only disarms the plaintiff, but allows truth to enter our otherwise closed minds. Acknowledging the legitimacy of the accusation, or dissatisfaction, usually satisfies the unhappy. They feel heard as their cry is received and understood.

Proverbs says "A soft answer turns away wrath".

The truly soft answer is a non-defensive one. Defensive answers are crusty and hard. They cause the other person to back up, build up a better attack and come on stronger and angrier. The soft, understanding, reply says "I hear you. I accept what you are saying." Anger is defused. The need to hit harder in order to be heard melts away. Most people want to feel as if they have been heard, that their cry is accepted, and cared about. They don’t even need to have it fixed.

We can drop defensiveness almost totally. In the game of life, a lot of games are won by those who play little, or no, defense.

Research on Prayer

Serious Material About Prayer

Larry Dossey M.D. tells about some experiments with prayer undertaken by an organization called Spindrift. This group set out to test how praying people might affect other living things, in this case seeds. The question was whether prayer can make a difference in the rate of germination in ordinary garden-variety seeds.

Rye seeds were divided into two equal groups. One set was prayed for, the other was not. The results consistently showed more slender green rye shoots among the prayed for seeds than on the other side.

Satisfied with these results, they tried something else. They added salt water to the "prayed-for" tray. It was like making the seeds sick. The results this time were even more striking. Prayer worked even better when the organisms prayed for were under stress.

Several different models were used to test the results of prayer for the sickened seeds - extra salt, humidity, heat. The outcome was consistent. Prayer worked best on the ill seeds!

The Spindrift people explored other logical questions in their seed-based experiments:
1. Does it matter how much one prays? Answer: Twice as much prayer produced double the positive effects.
2. Does the praying person need to be informed about the conditions of the seeds prayed for or can she pray effectively with minimal awareness of the subject? Answer: The more clearly the practitioner is aware of the object of prayer the more effective it will be.

Another remarkable dimension of their tests was the exploration of the difference between what they call "directed" and "non-directed" prayer.

Directed prayer is the kind where a very specific outcome is focused on like the shrinking of a tumor, healing of an illness, or the knitting together of a broken bone.

Non-directed prayer is open-ended. God is not told what to do in this mode of intercession and a very specific result is not imaged or asked for.

The Spindrift Folks wondered which of the two would get the desired outcome. They found that both ways of praying got good results but the non-directed was twice as effective as the directed. They concluded that the "Thy will be done" attitude seems superior. Therefore, if we can generalize from seeds to humans, we should hold persons up to God and pray for the awareness of God's presence and a fresh infusion of Divine love, healing and well-being, in a general and open way. This way seeks and accepts 'what is best' whatever that might be, leaving specific outcomes to God.

I believe we should be incited to greater conviction about prayer by these reports. Skepticism is understandable, but in this scientific age it may be that God gives us these timely means for fresh awareness of His divine presence. By means appropriate to the 20th century mind-set, God calls us back to life's true Power Source.

We ought to conclude there is good reason to pray. But we are also compelled to be open people, open to disappointment as well as victory. Not every seed germinated. Unexpected cures are still unusual. Mystery remains.

Control of these powerful life-impacting forces still resides Somewhere Else. The "wind blows wherever it pleases." But there is given to humankind, some capacity to direct or influence it. Life experience, Biblical teaching, and this research, provides a lot of motivation to be praying people.

show appreciation

Say “Thank You”
World Brightener # 5

Say “thank you”. Whatever anyone does for you- if they fill out a form, hand you a check or receipt, point something out---say “thank you”, or “I appreciate your help.” I even pour it on my dentist: “thank you for the way you take care of me” I have said. Surprise people with words of appreciation.

Example: I answered a phone call from the Laguna Playhouse. The call was promotional. She was selling tickets for their upcoming series. For a variety of reasons there was no chance we would be interested. Not only that, her call was intruding on an important project on which I was working. Nevertheless I said “Thank you for calling us. I appreciate your interest in our attending your productions.” I thought “here is someone working for an hourly wage doing something usually bothersome to those she reaches.” So I decided to try to brighten her hour by being appreciative. Needless to say she concluded the call with warmth and kindness.

P.S. There are new words in today’s marketplace for “you’re welcome.” I do not like them, but they are the equivalent of “you’re welcome.” The new words are “no problem”. Especially among youth no one says anything except “no problem”. I’m trying to get accustomed to this response.

The Lady Had a Christian Symbol on Her Car Trunk

Drama at the Gas Station
The lady had a chrome-plated fish symbol neatly glued on the trunk panel of her white Lincoln Continental. The name Jesus was spelled out inside the lines in the shape of the fish.

The whole scene is fixed in my memory because the driver, a large blond woman, was very upset with the gas station attendant. He, a small Asian person, had accidentally spilled oil on the fender and motor of her beautiful car, in the process of adding some to the crankcase.

There was a hot verbal interchange that I couldn't hear distinctly, as I pumped my gas. Then just before she slammed her door and sped away in a huff she shouted: "Vell, vy don't you people go back to your own country!"

I hoped the attendant didn't notice the "Jesus" sign on the back. It was a pathetic scene, but I couldn't keep from laughing at the irony of her words spoken with a heavy European brogue. She had a Christian label on her automobile, but her soul was pretty mixed up demanding. "Jesus" was written on her car but not in her heart.

Giving Up a Good Seat 4 a Stranger

Kare Koach gets Kaught on the way to Kona
by K.O.K. (Koach of Kindness)

Our entire family, including the grandchildren, was on the plane. We were on the way to Kona, Hawaii. It was our treat, celebrating forty years of marriage. I was especially happy about my seat assignment. It was part of the Exit Row and on the aisle. That added space is crucial for my 6’6” frame, on a flight of five hours.
Shortly after we had leveled off at around 36, 000 feet the lady next to me asked if I would mind trading seats with her husband who was seated in back. “Oh no,” I thought, “how does care and kindness handle this?”

I quickly decided to speak honestly. “I’d rather not,” I replied. “My six foot six height really needs the leg room.” I reasoned that the likelihood her husband was my size was slim. “Okay” she said. “Since we are on our honeymoon I was hoping we could sit together,” she added.

“Oh no”! Her footnote hit me like a ton of guilt. How do I respond to that? What a dilemma! On the one hand squeezing into a conventional seat was nearly impossible for me to endure. On the other hand here was a touching personal need I could make right. On the one hand I was to her an anonymous stranger. On the other hand I was the Koach of Kare and Kindness. I didn’t have to do anything, but I felt I had to do something.

I sat in silence, thinking and squirming, for at least five minutes. Finally I said, “tell your husband he can come up and sit here for two hours.” “No, that’s alright,” she replied. I pushed my offer, “that way you can enjoy dinner together, wouldn’t you like that?” Clearly I had hit a soft spot.

“Okay,” she finally said, and hopped out of her seat and went back to talk with him. In a couple of minutes they were back together to accept the proposal. He told me his seat number. It turned out to be in the very back row of the plane; the worst seat in the plane. It wouldn’t even lean back, it was so tight against the wall. There was even less than average knee room. But the deal was made, and by this time forty minutes of the flight out over the ocean had passed. Two hours would be tolerable. After that I could stretch for the final hour and thirty minutes.
Sure enough, exactly on the two hour minute the man came back for the seat exchange. And I felt warm all over.

Our family had observed the whole transaction. Some were astounded that I would give up that precious Exit Row seat, at all. Others could not believe I would not give it up completely, that I kept two hours for myself. All were tickled by the whole deal. Especially me-and I hope the newlyweds.

The Power of Kind Words

A few days ago I received a note in the U.S. Mail from someone I had not seen, or thought about, in over twenty-five years. It came from 1500 miles away.

Strangely it was handwritten on napkin paper. In a few words she said she wanted to thank me for an act of kindness I did in 1984. She had been working at Pine Rest Christian Hospital, where I was a Chaplain. That year I had left for The Crystal Cathedral ministry. She said that when I departed I had sent her a note thanking her for her helpfulness (she was the assistant who checked out hospital cars for employee use and had done this for me often). So here it is 2009 and she still remembers warmly that note!

I do not recall writing it. But what a powerful testimony about the wonderful effect of a simple few words of appreciation.

P.S. My response was to mail her a copy of my book The Miracle of Kindness, autographed with a few fresh words of loving-kindness.

A Friendly Greeting at Costco

A Friendly Greeting at Costco

The Costco super-store I visit is always very crowded with people I do not know. Only about once in six months do I meet someone I recognize. Not only that, there is no eye-contact or greeting offered by any of the shoppers. They are all intent on their purchases, or managing their families. Most seem unaware of those around them, even those who might need to push their carts around them.


So it was startling a few nights ago when someone said “hello” to me. The middle aged woman smiled, and I looked at her with a puzzled look. She looked vaguely familiar but I couldn’t place her. “Chicago avenue?” I questioned. “No, Fantastic Sam’s. Haircut,” she said in her imperfect English. “Oh, yes” I responded realizing and recognizing her as one of the women who cut my hair. “Great to see you” I said with a big smile, and we went our separate ways.

Her greeting lifted my spirits enormously. I went on with my shopping feeling renewed, buoyant, blessed. It is amazing. Here was a woman I scarcely know, Hispanic, low-waged, a hardworker with whom I have virtually no relationship. And her greeting was like a shot of Adrenaline. I felt joy from her friendliness.


The power of a greeting can hardly be over- rated. Never is a simple “hello” wasted or worthless. Every simple “hello” is a blessing, a gift, a vitamin for the soul of the recipient—even if he doesn’t turn and respond to the words.


A man named Joe Kita decided to say “hello” to everyone he met for a period of one month. He reported that when the time was over he felt lighter, more connected, and had a better sense of well-being. But he recommends setting a lower number of greetings per day. Lest you burn out or get bored. At the same time he is convinced it is a way of making the world a better place.
St. Paul said “Greet each other with a holy kiss….” Well, we better not go that far today or we might get arrested, but St. Paul certainly is underscoring the value of greeting when he made that suggestion.

“Hello” is possible for everyone. Start today to sprinkle, spray and splash greetings on people.